why why why why why why why. WHY does this ALWAYS happen to me?? every time i FINALLY feel like i'm really getting over david, those feelings come back. i'm soooo beyond frustrated. today before home group i was just hanging out, i don't remember what i was doing, but i started getting butterflies. at first i was like, oh it's cause i know jesse is coming back tomorrow and i'll probably get to see him on thursday. but i wasn't even thinking about that. of course i was thinking about david. i can't even begin to explain how crappy i feel right now. grr. so then he shows up at my house and everything is still fine. things were how they've been the last few weeks, amazing. but i couldn't seem to stop wanting to look at him. i feel like ever since i've stopped liking him, he's been noticing me more and paying more attention to me. so we were just hanging out and martha and i were planning on doing something after like last week. so david asked if we wanted to go to in-n-out since we usually do something after so we did. we got there and i was sitting across from him, kind of a mistake, i guess. i dunno. grr. i love it when he talks to me and actually looks me in the eyes. i feel like a lot of guys are uncomfortable doing that. i seriously had sooo much fun. we were constantly laughing and cracking jokes. we got on a few weird subjects. david was telling a story about how he was messing around with one of his brothers while he was sleeping and how he put toothpaste on him. then kelsey started talking about zits, that got kinda gross so we changed the subject. then we started talking about redeeming love and then got on the subject of sex. i really don't remember how it came up but it was really funny. oh i remember. we started talking about honeymoons and where we would wanna go. so kels said i don't care where we go, just give me a bed. so david was like, oh ya that's right. and i said, shoot it doesn't even have to be a bed. then kels said something about being inside and david was like, the doesn't even matter as long as it's secluded. i seriously couldn't believe we were saying those things but it was soooo beyond hilarious. so then... rip my heart my heart and make me fall in love with you... david asked if he ever told me what he wanted to do for one of his anniversaries once he got married. i said no, so of course he proceeded to tell me (side note: it was really hard to not smile through the whole story). this is what he said:: on one of his anniversaries, if he and his wife have the money, he wants to take her to london (somewhere i've always wanted to go) in the winter. then while they're there, take a carriage ride in the snow. they'd have a blanket and she would be in his arms the whole time. he'd have a cd player and they'd listen to the song they danced to at their wedding. how freaking cute is that? then he said that if they didn't have the money to go to london, they'd go to julian. lol. i just think it's adorable that he would even think of something like that.
i don't know why these feelings are coming back, or even if they are. i know i keep saying that david and i are too much alike o be together, but maybe not. i just don't know anymore. all i know is that i love him to death. he's a great guy and i'm soooooo blessed to have him in my life. he constantly makes me laugh and i love that more than anything. i feel comfortable around him, he makes me feel at home and relaxed. i just don't know anymoreeeeee. i seriously just wanna scream. i want to know if he likes me. i want to know if he is the one God has placed in my life to spend forever with. i want to know so that if he's not that guy for me, i can really move on and not just for a few weeks. i'm tired of always going back to these feelings. i'm tired of thinking i'm over him then suddenly having all those feelings come back. the way he makes me feel is indescribable. i seriously think i melt when he looks at me.
i really feel like i just need to be in continuous prayer about this. i won't be strong enough to say no to these feelings, i know it. i don't want it to be that way though. i want God to be in control of this situation, i just don't know how to give up trying to control it.
i'll see him again on thursday then we're hanging out on friday night. so i guess we'll just see how those go. thursday should be interesting since i'll most likely see jesse for the first time in almost 3 weeks. i'll also see him on friday before i hang out with david later that night.
so ya. grr. i'm frustrated. i want to scream and scream and scream as loud as i can. why can't these feelings just go away and stay away from me??
